Learning how to wake up

For as long as I can remember, I have woken up in a hurry and my head is then flooded with thoughts that are so hard to sort out it became a source of stress. Recently, as a result of another stress, when I wake up in the morning I have immediately begun to think about all of my worries. As soon as consciousness would reach me, my heart would start to race and I would begin to worry.

Now, it would stand to reason that any sane person would just clear their head and get on with their day. Easier said than done. When you feel like you are a slave to your own thoughts, that's a scary place to be.

I need to tell you about a miracle. Somewhere in my head, on Saturday, while talking to my wife, I discovered how to learn. All of my life I have known everything I have wanted to know. You couldn't teach me anything. If we disagreed about something, in my mind then YOU must be wrong. It has taken me 41 years to realize that not only did I not know everything, I know nothing.

This morning my beautiful wife rolled over as I woke up and lay across me as I realized that what I need to do in the mornings (and for the rest of the day) is to live in the NOW. Worry and fear are produced by looking at the future. Sadness is from looking at the past. Living in the moment is to be at peace.

I got up and went to the shower and immediately began to fret and worry and let my mind wander to stressful things. Then the now intruded (thank god for my subconscious). I thought about going to the bathroom, then turning on the shower, then showering. Do you know why you forget things when you leave for work? It is because your mind is elsewhere. All the way to work and once I got to work I was living in the moment. This is what it means (as the Tao says) to be simple and to be child-like.

When you are a child you have to think about walking, about pouring a drink, about putting your clothes on. Children do not worry not because they are young, but because they are so caught up in the now. You and I see a butterfly and we recognize the shape and the form and the color and may even recognize their beauty, but we go on. The child is captivated with the details and loses themselves in that moment.

How amazing, how blessed is a man to finally, after 41 years of life, to LEARN for the first time.

It literally pushes me to the edge of tears; it is so liberating and so frightening at the same moment. This is what freedom feels like.