As I mentioned in the previous installment, when I was a teenager I had a crew of buddies that I call the boys. There was Shaun the military brat and loud-mouth, Keith the know-it-all fat kid and Terry Lewallen the moron.Myself the rebel without a clue and Burt, who'd fall in love with any finely made young lady, no matter the cost.
The local comic shop was owned by a fellow named Richard Argo, as a result, we called the place "Richard's" and Richard had wisely placed his cousin in charge of the counter. She was a dark eyed creature made of hair, legs and breasts, or at least, as far as Burt was concerned. The lady's name was Renee and she shared a house (at a later point) with Lewie's girlfriend Psycho. But before all that happened Renee lived in an apartment down the road from Richard's with a fellow 5 years older than herself, named Robert. Robert was 23, red head and grew an impressively manicured bridge that immediately told em he was a sissy. It was obvious that he was a sissy because he dressed better than the rest of us and had a job where he sat at a desk.
At any rate, Burt wondered into Richard's one day and his eyes fell on Renee and he succumbed to her dark charms and curvy parts in the same manner every young man of 16 does when confronted with a beautiful woman in a comic shop. He hid behind the comic boxes and stared at her until I introduced them. Thereafter they spoke every day. The Mood was there all day long and would stand outside and talk to Renee until dark. This probably would have continued until he had won her heart except for one thing: on the third day, that red headed sissy-man Robert showed up.
From then on it was a tale of legend. The love triangle to end all love triangles. The 16 year old unemployed high-school drop-out against the neatly dressed, gainfully employed 23 year old. It was a challenge requiring the wisdom of Solomon. Renee, in her wisdom, dated them both. This went off and on for a long while. Renee would date just Mood and then would date just Robert and then would date them both. Finally, she'd had all she could stand of the pressure and the soul-grinding torture of having two men at her beck and call. She decisively moved out of Robert's apartment and into the clapboard house with Psycho. And then she made her mind up and... dated them both.
Time went on and Lewie in his huge stupidity began dating the sexually repressed Jan and running in fear from her lusty second personality Jennifer. I took Psycho home that fateful night and learned the secret that Lewie so kindly neglected to mention and I punched him in the head.
Fast forward a few months and Renee, in an uncharacteristic move, has made a decision and started dating Robert. Burt has moved on and started dating a girl named Cindy. A woman he found so appealing that he named a dog after her and Lewie? Lewie comes to Mood's house bawling his eyes out that Psycho has dumped him and wants him to come to Casa de Loony-toons and get all of his stuff out of her way.
Since we were a team, I sent Shawn the asshole and Keith the pacifistic know-it-all with Mood in Keith's rattle-trap of Jeep and I climbed into the driver's seat of Lewie's 492 foot long Burgundy Lincoln Continental. We make our way to Whitesburg and down the the (now) paved road to the (now) gravel road and past the newly erected street light and pulled up into the still naked yard in front of the clapboard house that sat with its back to the cornfield like a gunfighter in a crowded bar.
Lewie and I got out and so did Mood. Shawn the asshole stayed in the Jeep because it was safer if he didn't talk to people and Keith stayed with him -- because he was chickenshit. Those of us had mixed feelings. Lewie was heartbroken and harbored hope of reconciliation, Mood wanted one last moment with Renee and I -- I had noticed Roberts car across the road and was looking for some street theatre.
We walked into the clapboard house and there sat Psycho and Renee and Robert and Robert's handgun. There was a sound in my head not unlock the giant hands of a giant clock moving and slamming into place. I looked right and Robert and pushed Lewie in the direction of his belongings. Mood was too busy given Renee dirty looks to do anything else. Robert sat there looking like a particularly smug sissy-boy, a well-armed sissy-boy albeit, but a sissy-boy none-the-less. The blubbering Lewie gathered his things and we headed out the car slowly. Renee yelled unkind things at Mood, he yelled unkind things back. Shawn called everyone bad names and Keith begged him to shut up. Lewie cried like a kid with a skinned knee and I -- I blew Robert a kiss. When he turned to hurry back inside we tore out of there. Bulletproof I might be, but these bullets were a bit less metaphorical than I liked.
We got the cars to the old bridge and stopped. I nudged Lewie out of the car and the boys rolled out and embraced his crying form in a manly way.
"Dude, did you see Robert's car?" Mood asked.
"Yep, sawing coming in, " I said.
"If I'd have known he had a gun, I might've done that different," Mood said.
"He had a gun?" Squeeked the fat kid.
"Oh, he always has that when I've been over," sobbed Lewie.
The rest of us didn't even make it to the ten count.
Well, like all good stories, this one has a happy ending. Later that year Renee tossed Psycho and Robert out of her house and life and made Mood miserable for another year and a half. Lewie head-punch healed met a girl that was uglier, but much less crazy than Psycho. Shawn met a girl that was a bigger asshole than he was and Keith got kicked out of college. Me? Well, that's another story.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
The Psycho-Lewallen Affair Part I
When I was a teenager I had a crew of buddies that I call the boys. There was Burt (who I called Mood), Myself (who Burt called Dude), Shaun the military brat and loud-mouth, Keith the know-it-all fat kid and Terry Lewallen... the moron.
Terry was a special case among our band, he was, at the time, generally considered to be better looking than the rest of us. He could grow a full beard of sandy colored hair by 10th grade and he had broad shoulders that made him look far more formidable than he was. He also had a head scar along his hairline that seemed reminiscent of the product of a lobotomy. Despite all these charms, Lewallen (Lewie, we called him) was perpetually dating girls with "great personalities". We quickly learned this translated into "ugly and crazy". I tell you all of this because, this is how we met Psycho.
Psycho's real name was Jan and she was a plain looking girl with a brittle smile and the fast moving eyes of rabid weasel. Her voice was shrill and she dressed rather like she had fallen into a pile of clothes and they had stuck there. So, needless to say, she was perfect for Lewie. Lewie and Psycho worked at Wal-Mart back when Wal-Mart was an upstart for spending money while they went to college in the nearby college town.
At the time, our hangout was a local comic shop run by a fellow by the name of Richard Argo. I don't remember the store's name, for we all called it "Richard's". Richard's cousin Renee ran the register and we were all smitten by this beautiful dark-haired girl that read funny-books and played role-playing games. Mood was particularly smitten and he was shorter and easier to smite. But that story comes later... So it came to pass one day that I was at Richard's with Lewie and Burt and Lewie asked if I would take Psycho home to the house she shared with Renee so that she did not have to wait on Lewie to get off work four hours after her shift ended. As a stalwart young redneck gentleman, I said it would be my pleasure and the next day I was waiting at Wal-Mart with plenty of time to spare.
Like any good southern boy I was assigned one of the required vehicle types, I had a 1969 Camaro in forest green with rust colored primer down one side. It was fast, it was sexy and it was redneck. I pulled the Camaro in sideways in front of the garden shop with all of the style a teenager in 1984 could muster. Which is to say: not much. I waltzed inside with a jean shirt rolled up past my elbows with my mirrored driving shades on perched on my nose and a hard pack of Marlboro Reds™ ruining the back pocket of my skin tight Levis. I stepped inside the store, collect little miss brittle-smile and headed for the wilds of Whitesburg Ga. The road was dirt, the woods were dark and the streetlights were non-existent.
I pulled up in front of the little clapboard house that Psycho and Renee shared. The house sat in a naked yard with its back against the cornfield like a cornered rat. The house was dark and began to get a bad feeling. Psycho and I entered the house and she tried the light switch and got nothing. She uttered the first sound she had made all night, a curt "Hmmp" sound and headed to the kitchen for a flashlight. My conscience warned with my creep-out alarm as I backed slowly towards the door and she said, "It's dark. Will you stay until Terry gets here?" Damn my southern upbringing! I settled on the couch, in the dark and didn't say a thing. Psycho settled down next to me and turned to look at me and placed her hand in my lap in an unladylike way. "You're nice looking", she said.
"Thanks, Jan," I said, wondering what to do with her hand.
"Who's Jan? My name is Jennifer."
As my backbone tried to climb up into my skull I slowly got up and edged away from the plain girl with the smoky, lusty smile illuminated by the flashlight in her lap. I backed out the door while trying to say something clever about three being a crowd and I tore up back road all the way back to Douglasville.
The next day at Richard's, Burt told me that Lewie was looking for me with a mean look on his face. As I was young, and tough and a little bit mean (and not to mention, I had a secret weapon), I went looking for Lewie. When I found him he was seething until him lobotomy scar blanched white against his flushed face. He opened his mouth and I said, "Who's Jennifer?"
Lewie deflated and his big shaggy muzzle frowned. "Oh... you met Jennifer."
I counted to ten and punched him in the head.
Terry was a special case among our band, he was, at the time, generally considered to be better looking than the rest of us. He could grow a full beard of sandy colored hair by 10th grade and he had broad shoulders that made him look far more formidable than he was. He also had a head scar along his hairline that seemed reminiscent of the product of a lobotomy. Despite all these charms, Lewallen (Lewie, we called him) was perpetually dating girls with "great personalities". We quickly learned this translated into "ugly and crazy". I tell you all of this because, this is how we met Psycho.
Psycho's real name was Jan and she was a plain looking girl with a brittle smile and the fast moving eyes of rabid weasel. Her voice was shrill and she dressed rather like she had fallen into a pile of clothes and they had stuck there. So, needless to say, she was perfect for Lewie. Lewie and Psycho worked at Wal-Mart back when Wal-Mart was an upstart for spending money while they went to college in the nearby college town.
At the time, our hangout was a local comic shop run by a fellow by the name of Richard Argo. I don't remember the store's name, for we all called it "Richard's". Richard's cousin Renee ran the register and we were all smitten by this beautiful dark-haired girl that read funny-books and played role-playing games. Mood was particularly smitten and he was shorter and easier to smite. But that story comes later... So it came to pass one day that I was at Richard's with Lewie and Burt and Lewie asked if I would take Psycho home to the house she shared with Renee so that she did not have to wait on Lewie to get off work four hours after her shift ended. As a stalwart young redneck gentleman, I said it would be my pleasure and the next day I was waiting at Wal-Mart with plenty of time to spare.
Like any good southern boy I was assigned one of the required vehicle types, I had a 1969 Camaro in forest green with rust colored primer down one side. It was fast, it was sexy and it was redneck. I pulled the Camaro in sideways in front of the garden shop with all of the style a teenager in 1984 could muster. Which is to say: not much. I waltzed inside with a jean shirt rolled up past my elbows with my mirrored driving shades on perched on my nose and a hard pack of Marlboro Reds™ ruining the back pocket of my skin tight Levis. I stepped inside the store, collect little miss brittle-smile and headed for the wilds of Whitesburg Ga. The road was dirt, the woods were dark and the streetlights were non-existent.
I pulled up in front of the little clapboard house that Psycho and Renee shared. The house sat in a naked yard with its back against the cornfield like a cornered rat. The house was dark and began to get a bad feeling. Psycho and I entered the house and she tried the light switch and got nothing. She uttered the first sound she had made all night, a curt "Hmmp" sound and headed to the kitchen for a flashlight. My conscience warned with my creep-out alarm as I backed slowly towards the door and she said, "It's dark. Will you stay until Terry gets here?" Damn my southern upbringing! I settled on the couch, in the dark and didn't say a thing. Psycho settled down next to me and turned to look at me and placed her hand in my lap in an unladylike way. "You're nice looking", she said.
"Thanks, Jan," I said, wondering what to do with her hand.
"Who's Jan? My name is Jennifer."
As my backbone tried to climb up into my skull I slowly got up and edged away from the plain girl with the smoky, lusty smile illuminated by the flashlight in her lap. I backed out the door while trying to say something clever about three being a crowd and I tore up back road all the way back to Douglasville.
The next day at Richard's, Burt told me that Lewie was looking for me with a mean look on his face. As I was young, and tough and a little bit mean (and not to mention, I had a secret weapon), I went looking for Lewie. When I found him he was seething until him lobotomy scar blanched white against his flushed face. He opened his mouth and I said, "Who's Jennifer?"
Lewie deflated and his big shaggy muzzle frowned. "Oh... you met Jennifer."
I counted to ten and punched him in the head.
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