Lonely miracles in the midst of madness

If I believed in blessings, I'd say I'm blessed. I am a lucky man, I get everything I need and most things I want. I spend my days at a job I love and nights meeting amazing people and helping them to get where they are going. It's been an amazing four or five months.

A few weeks ago I went to Greenville to do a walkabout. The weather was shit and I sat down in a coffee house and was approached by a woman. Her name was Carol. Carol wanted sex, plain and simple, at least, that's the ways she sold it.

We talked for six hours, about her kids, her divorce, and why she was so soul crushingly unhappy. The universe puts everyone in your path for a reason. Now I know why it rained. Carol told me about this younger man that was smitten with her, a brilliant writer and poet, a young man who was profoundly lost. The young man planned to walk the Appalachian trail, all 2100 miles of it alone. She pushed him away. I told her of all the amazing things that have happened to me recently, of all the miracle people that I meet. I explained the way I see the universe and I gave her the copy of the "Tao of Pooh" that I had brought with me. The next day she sent me a text message telling me she had gone and played in the park, on the swings, that she had called her ex-husband and got closure. Last night, she sent me this:

A Walk in the Woods
Vimes:

Its about 10pm on Tuesday the 14th. I went to Georgia today near Springer Mountain and said goodbye to someone I will never forget. He stayed with me from Friday the 10th until today when he left to hike the Appalachian Trail.

Remember how clear a "fix" you had on me during our meeting and subsequent chat. I understand that now. Its where you are versus where I am. It was like that with Herb. He is 29 and so intelligent, kind, sensual and loving. Over the course of the last several days we talked a lot. He told me more about himself and his family but I already knew most of what he was going to tell me. He wore his heart on his sleeve as much as I do. He needed me. I knew he didn't though and I also knew some basic things he would have to discover going forward. I realized that it defeats the purpose to tell him what those things are. It's most important that he discover that himself. That everyone does.

This hike he is attempting has nothing to do with 2,100 miles from Georgia to Maine. It's about proving something to himself. It's about facing fears. It's about living with yourself and being able to love yourself. It's about connecting with other people and being vulnerable. It might be about learning to ask for help. It might be about providing that help to someone else. Ultimately, it has the potential to show him everything he may ever need to know about life.

I dropped him off at the approach trail around 2pm today with a book on the Tao and a hug,a promise to keep in touch and to let me know how he is progressing. I have some of the answers to the life questions he has and I failed to provide them. You have to live them to learn them, but there is no law that says we can't have a trail guide by our side during our hike is there?

Love ya

Carol


It's dominoes. One life changed, changes the next. Back in December, I was the lowest I had ever been. Consistently, there was a person that was there for me, talked to me every day, kicked my ass when I needed it, talked to me every time I left court with Katie. She never flinched or turned aside. You gave everything. She was the first domino. Newton said "If I have seen farther than other men it is because I have stood on the shoulders of giants."

She's precious to me and she's a giant. She saved my life so I could save others. I came to understand that.

So many stories is such a short period of time. The Actress, the Living-Dead Girl, the Model, the Rockstar, the Prom Queen, the Savior, the Soldier Boy, the Student, the Redhead, the Cougar, the Princess, the Little Prince. Each of them has come into my life, some have stayed. Open honesty, love and friendship.

In the past week I have been called a Prophet, a Sage, a Hero. I was told I should write a book and that they should make a movie about me. A song written about me is ready to be recorded, all because I stopped in the road to talk and someone cared enough to reach out to me selflessly with love.

And this is just the beginning. Today (as my father says) is not forever. What will forever look like?

Some days it's lonely. Sometimes it drives me a little mad. I thought I had destroyed someone's life, I wrote the Actress. I asked her if I was doing the right thing, and she sent me a letter.

Tell me a story

Vimes, you don't need me to tell you that you did good by me, or by anyone else. You know you did. You know you're a good man. I know it must be frustrating (to put it ridiculously mildly), and often hopeless to encounter person after person, helping them on their way and watching them leave.

Why do you care? Because it feels REALLY GOOD. Being jaded does not. Being distrustful is not enjoyable. Refraining from continuing the search is obviously counter-productive. And while it always comes when you least expect it, from around the bend that you could not have anticipated...

You are the hero because you follow your bliss and your bliss is seeing someone comforted, protected, and free to find theirs.

If you're tired, rest.

You know I'm the luckiest girl in the world. I heard you're the luckiest guy. Remember that at certain points, you and I get to look back on everything, and we see - that period of darkness was essential to my experience which created today, the today I am so grateful for. That hardship, that challenge, that person who I could not understand why I had to bear the burden of, or lose the joy of... all of it was absolutely essential. You have done that. You'll do it again.

Every day what you said to me rings in my ears - don't take the easy road. Well, I really haven't. It's a very difficult road. One that requires that I take care of myself, so that I can take care of my man, so that maybe he can take care of me. But taking care of him is proving an immense challenge, that often tries to contradict my own needs. His health is terrible, his finances are in a shambles, his house is in dire need of intense work. And we have our sordid past together to unravel, which keeps exposing old wounds.

We have known each other for five weeks and for twenty-two years. It's incredibly odd, and wondrously amazing. There's no courtship, yet it's an endless courtship. We've learned the very very hard way not to take each other for granted, not to take ourselves for granted, not to subjugate ourselves out of fear the other person might run - but rather to state expectation, boundaries, intentions, and simply be optimistic that the other will be up for the task of loving us. That's the best that can be done.

Life without optimism, to me, is death. But of course, I'm a very lucky girl. My optimism nearly always pays off. And as of today, it has in a really big way. I know -- You know -- You are a very lucky guy.

You will always be a part of me, you will always be my hero.



The last words I said to her before I put her on the plane were those words "don't take the easy road." They echo in my ears. All my life I have had one fear, just one being alone. It's the Scorpion Paradox:

A man was buried to his neck and left to die as a means of torture
The scorpion came to him and the man asked the scorpion how he would keep from going mad
The scorpion said "Love your pain and cherish it and it will leave."
And then man said "If I love my pain, I won't want it to leave."
The Scorpion said "Now you understand pain."

I embraced my loneliness and now I don't want it to leave.

The Savior said this to me the other night: "When the loneliness becomes a sort of companion on its own... you see how cowboys get their reputations. You're a Cowboy."

Last night I spoke to someone I love very much. We said hello and goodbye, because we will always be a part of each other. It was good, it was right, and I will be immortal because of her, because she loves that much. 3000 miles can't separate me from her and what she means to me.

So... I know, it was too long to read, but I wrote it for you, all of you, some of you, all of us.

The book will be longer, the Savior says it should be called "Prophet and Loss."

The question remains, are you a chapter, a recurring character, or would you like to help me write the book of my life?

Thank you.

Burn with me.

You who are on the road, must have a code that you can live by...

And so become yourself, because the past is just a good bye. -- "Teach your children well" (Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young)

Today has been a day for difficult questions and easy answers.

This seems to be the question of the day:

Would you rather just be another chapter in the book of my life, or would you rather write it with me?

Reciprocity and the nature of giving

Hands grasp, but also give.
Mouth tastes, but also speaks.
Nose breathes, but also smells.
Eyes see, but also show.
Ears hear, but also balance.

The hands teach us not to be selfish.
The mouth teaches us to give thanks in word and song.
The nose teaches us to learn from our environment.
The eyes teach us to show compassion and sincerity.

All parts of ourselves both give and receive. They function on a principle of reciprocity inherent in their very character. If our senses are so noble, shouldn't we be as well?

The Tao is the way and the way is the path that carries us. You can call it whatever you want, but it's the journey. The question is, is the journey leading you into a circle. Do you follow the same old patterns over and over again wondering when you can get off the ride? I know I do.

Patience. I have said a million times that I am as patient as a mountain, and I am, when it comes to waiting on what I want. When it comes to waiting at the hospital for a child to be born or a sick person to be well, it kills me. I need to know that everything will be ok with people I care about. It's torture, literally. It's also ridiculously selfish.

Reciprocity. Those around me give so much and ask so little, are we selfishly impatient when it comes to their needs? I think sometimes we are.

I know I am.

In the cage my life began; Well I know the worth of Man. By the Broken Lock that freed —

Man-cub, 'ware the Man-cub's breed! - The Second Jungle Book (Rudyard Kipling)


I was called a sage and a prophet this weekend. I'm not sure how I feel about that. On any given day, I have no more idea of what I am doing than anyone else. I just know what the truth is when I see it.

Cages. We're monkeys, we run towards the cage and away from the thing we fear the most, when who and what we fear the most is usually the right answer. If you burst into tears and shake your head when someone says that you are their Hero, maybe you should take a moment and accept that mantle. If someone tells you that you are strong and you feel weak, maybe you should accept that mantle. If someone tells you they saved your life, maybe you're a Lifesaver.

Life is not easy for any of us. We have places of comfort that deaden us to the path we should walk. Drugs, drink, work, other people. You have to remember why you chose to walk that road in the first place. Was it to trade one cage for another or to find something new?

The hardest thing any of us can do, in the path of self discovery, is look at what we think is wisdom, think deeply about how we got here, and make the hard choice -- every time.

No, I'm not talking about you, or maybe I am. The Universe will not tolerate you being less than you can be. If will strip you bare and throw you in the street if it has to to get your attention. I've seen it, time after time.

I used to say I fight the world -- you can't fight the world, only yourself. It's the Paradox of the Scorpion:

A man was buried to his neck and left to die as a means of torture
The scorpion came to him and the man asked the scorpion how he would keep from going mad
The scorpion said "Love your pain and cherish it and it will leave."
And then man said "If I love my pain, I won't want it to leave."
The Scorpion said "Now you understand pain."

Until you look for the thing you fear most, and embrace it, it will never leave, and when it leaves, you won't want it to.

I feared being alone and now... well, that story is never finished.

We who walk a road on fire, must make choices, hard choices every day: abandon the comfortable lie and embrace the difficult truth, or climb in a cage of our own design.

Might as well, we built it.

Break your chains and burn with me.

Oh, so what? This was all some sort of a lesson? Is that what you're telling me? Wow. Very creative.

It is a known fact, a well known one, that I find wisdom and enlightenment in everything. The craziest things speak to me and speak them back out. Last night I had beers with a dear friend and her (soon to be, I hope) girlfriend. We laughed a lot and cried a little and spoke on every subject known to man. At the end, Angela (my friend) said "They should make a movie about you."

I doubt I will ever be the subject of a movie. All I do is process things that I hear and pump them back out. But if they ever do, be sure and steal these lines from Supernatural:

Zachariah: All I'm saying is, it's how you look at it. Most folks live and die without moving anything more than the dirt it takes to bury them. You get to change things, save people, maybe even the world. All the while you drive a classic car and fornicate with women. This isn't a curse, it's a gift. So for God's sakes, Dean, quit whining about it. Look around: there are plenty of fates worse than yours. So you with me? You want to go steam yourself another latte, or are you ready to stand up and be who you really are?

Simple choice. Live and die without moving anything more than the dirt it takes to bury you and have a latte, or get to work changing things.

When in the hour of despair

Remember that angels walk among us. You might be one.

Homecoming

Where was Tao while I was gone?
Wasn't I following it where I went?
Do you think that there are two?

After traveling awhile, we come home to a familiar place, only we often look at it in a new light. Were things different while we weren't here? We experienced so many new and different things while we were gone -- wasn't that Tao too? How can there be so many differences?

You might argue that a mountain is a mountain, but our attitudes toward it are changeable. If we mistake our subjective viewpoints as something that is solid, permanent, and never relative to circumstances, then we will have no end to our problems. However, if we always remember that everything is comparative, then we can move through life in a much more dynamic way.

There are not two ways. There is only one. It is so vast that we can experience widely diverging aspects of it and imagine that we are in different realities. This is a misconception. We cannot outrun Tao, cannot be outside of it. It is only our viewpoints that change to the degree that we think we are in differing dimensions. In the river of Tao, we are like minnows that can never plumb the length and breadth of the water.

I talked to two people today. Both brought clarity in the moment I am in. One of them said (correctly) that the universe is always in balance. If it feels off-balance it must be you. She's right, she usually is. I'm consumed with fire at the moment and for the past three days I have directed that fire at loss, anger, and if I do that, then the fire is destructive.

See, here's the wisdom that this person gives me: Emotions are my healing. I'm a thinker. I think shit to death. But the trap and the thing that grows my spirit and heals me, is my emotions. I feel things very deeply. I become deeply involved with people. I become invested. That's my strength. When I withdraw from people it's because I can't take it and need a breather. But that doesn't mean I don't miss them or they mean any less to me. I still have a lot of work to do on me. I guess we all do. We are, none of us, ever finished.

Sadly, it's also the trap. I become invested in people and I forget sometimes that these words that I live by carry power and that I can start a war, break a heart, induce fear, destroy a life all with a word. Because when i say something, people know it's never just talking. It means something.

The waves that crash on the shore now are only getting stronger, there is no ebb tide. If we dwell in darkness it will be the darkest we have ever known. If we dwell in the light, we burn brighter than we have ever known.

The other person reminded me of a simple lesson. You can guide a traveler to their destination, but they have to walk it alone, no matter how much you want to help them. They have to figure it out. That is a lesson I know well. For you to get people where they are going you have to watch them walk away. Maybe they come back, maybe they don't. That was never the goal anyway. The goal of the signpost is to direct the way, not to carry the load.

Ignorance of these things throws life out of balance. There is always another traveler on the road, there is always another lost soul, there is always another person to become invested in. But that doesn't mean we should ever lose sight of those we care for, even when they turn the bend in the road and pass out of view. Because we care, because there is always a tomorrow, and because they may be waiting to help you find your way next time.

Burn with me.

Secrets

It's just us here, just you and I. No mysteries or masks, just a world of words that come crumbling down upon the writer. All that bluster and bluff, we know it isn't real. It's Tin Man confidence, boldness in the face of fear. Style over substance.

The words are as real as the author, as real as the memories. The world is as real as we make it.

To all the words that have never been said, to all the words that never will be said, to all the things you leave behind with me when you go, let us remember them, like the things you leave behind.

Footlights

The actress once said I was "that guy." the one that night after night enters from stage left, right on cue. The one who always says his lines. The one who is always where he is supposed to be.

Some days I wish I wasn't.

All the world's a stage and the show must go on.

Burn with me.

Steps

The steps are slow and the way is narrow, the path that leads from might-have-been to may-be. A trusting hand and a patient heart that asks nothing but trust and offers the burning, lingering promise of everything. One risk, one word of assent carries such dreams into a future of fire. It is not boldly we go, but bravely. One breathless kiss and a leap of faith.

Burn with me.