Challenging Life

I have been very quiet in both my journals lately. This is because, as is typical of me, when something challenges us in our lives I have a tendency to keep silent about it until I feel it is resolved.

Through no fault of her own, my wife lost her job. The people she worked for got themselves into a financial bind and bounced two paychecks and then failed to pay Shell for another week.

On thursday I took Shell to the DOL to file for unemployment and took time out to be very threatening to her former boss. On friday her bosses brought me the money that was owed and they promised three week's severance.

Last night Shell had a really good interview and we're hoping it will be a good fit and that they will offer her the gig.

It has been a year. But, to put things into perspective, it has been a year where a lot of good has come from bad. It has been a year where my wife and I have learned a lot about each other through adversity and found that we still love each other and want to be with each other. It has been a year where my youngest child was brought into my home before further bad could be done to her. It has been a year where my wife and I have purchased our home. It has been a year where we learned our limitations and our strengths.

And it has been the year where I have begun to rise and advance my spirit, learning freedom and strength and patience. It's coming to me, slowly.

Life does not challenge us, we challenge life.

Utopia

From 365 Taoist meditations

Chant one million times for world peace, they told me.
Pray three times a day to end all wars.
Practice austerities to liberate all living beings.
But the world's miseries have never diminished.

Periodically, some religious group proclaims that if everyone would just do something like chant, some fundamental social problem would be solved. Claims have been made that spiritual devotion could affect wars, famine, disease, the economy, and overpopulation.
Only personal endeavors can be spiritual. What you do with your daily devotions is purely for your own sake. Once you put ideals on a grand scale, they are compromised by the contradictions of life.

There is no utopia. There never will be. There is only the valiant attempt of each person to live spiritually in a world where spirituality is almost impossible.

"The time has come," the Walrus said, "To talk of many things:

Of shoes-and ships-and sealing wax- Of cabbages-and kings- And why the sea is boiling hot- And whether pigs have wings."

It has been a little over a week since we got moved in to the new house and I am pleased, if somewhat overwhelmed.

Part of moving in has been the cleansing nature of a new start. I challenge myself to let go of the old and bring newness to my life, my home and my family.

Heather and Rodney sorted out their problem. I agree with my wife that it would have been better if we'd never heard their was a problem. Sometimes it is better not to know, but it's my nature to want to know what is going on, even if it is bad news.

My time with my wife has grown sweeter and richer since moving in to the new house, yet there remains small pieces of baggage that I have to learn to put aside or to incorporate into my life.

Life is a struggle, it makes life have flavor. Sometimes the flavor is sweet and sometimes it is bitter but it is the life we get and to waste it with worry and stress are a sin.

The move and my breaking point the other day have awakened the part of me that I suppressed for a long while. I suppressed this part of me because it was a part that did some bad things and hurt a lot of people and tended to be selfish. It was also the part of me that would kick down a mountain, that would give you the 'I know you want me' smile, that had not a single moment of doubt and had never known regret.

Being that guy is a balancing act and sometimes I want to retreat to the me I became when it came time to make amends for my past misdeeds. But that's not the real me. The real me is a little bit crazy, a guy who smiles and laughs easily, a guy that isn't afraid of you, your friends or any army you might have with you, he's a passionate lover and a passionate fighter. He's 50% hero and 50% bastard. He's the me that we tried to kill in therapy. He's the me that my wife deserves, my kids need and my enemies fear.

And as you can tell, he's an egomaniac.

Peace, understanding and growth to you all.

The lesson of the river

The river flows from beginning to end but never moves. The river is not the water, because the water moves on and is gone. The river is not the land that borders it, but without the land it cannot be defined. The river is not the fish and the plants and the little crawling things, but without them the river has no life. We cannot define the river, but we know what the river is and what the rivr is not.

So it is with life. We are not our thoughts, for they change. We are not our words, they come and go. We are not our flesh, that changes and withers and dies. We cannot define our lives, but we know what life is and what it is not.

Life flows, travels and journeys. It eddys and pools and speeds along at times, but it arrives in the correct time and in the correct place with no help at all and no barrier can impede it for long.

Life is like the river and the river is like life.

Emptiness

Clay is molded to form a vessel, But it is on its emptiness that the usefulness of the utensil depends.

Doors and windows are cut to make a room, but it is on its emptiness that the utility of the room depends.

I have reached my stress limit, all further stress can fuck right off.

You know, when I was a kid my biological father stalked us and threatened my grandparents and basically made our lives a living hell. There were days I would lay on the floor of my bedroom with my grandmother listening to my record player turned down low because my father was outside the house with a gun.

When I was 9 years old my grandfather, who was everything to me, had a heart attack and lay dying in front of me on the couch. I was too afraid to go to his funeral because then I would have to admit he was gone. For what seemed like weeks afterward my grandmother would pass out and wail when she woke up and realized my grandfather was dead. I hate the smell of smelling-salts because of this.

From age 11-14, I was sexually molested by a close family member until I finally realized I could say no. I still wake up some times thinking about it.

When I was 17 my grandmother had a stroke because of a needless accident when she was in the hospital for a heart attack. She died a few days later. I bawled like a baby.

My first wife cheated on me within a month of being married. Near as I can tell she repeated this every year just for fun.

Two years after my divorce my ex-wife took my kids from me. I didn't see them for 4 years. My youngest daughter was told that her step-father was her real father.

After that I descended into a cycle of self-hatred. I cheated on every woman I had a relationship with. I lied to everyone I knew.

Shell and I got married and for a moment it all spun down and stopped. For a moment it was wonderful.

My daughter Heather moved back in with her mother to get away from my rules, my ex-wife put her in jail.

My best friend betrayed me 5 times in 3 months.

DFACS took my youngest child and placed her in my house.

Last night Rodney (the father of my grandson) called to say that my daughter left him to 'find herself'.

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I almost cried last night, but I didn't. There are days that I feel like I am in a fight and can't take a breath. Not anymore. I look back and I survived worse, much worse. There is nothing you can do to me that I haven't beaten.

If you want to hurt me, get in line.
If you want to betray me, get in line.
If you want to disappoint me, get in line.

I am 10-foot tall and bulletproof. I have survived it all. This too shall pass.