Feeding the White Dog

So. Yesterday. Not so good. Then the night came...

She picked me up at 7:15 from work and she had a new ultimatum in her palm top. I sat in the passenger's seat and read two pages of acusations and invective. Then we sat in silence.

We got home and went to our room and I made her sit on the bed. And I began to preach. I have never... in the 3 years we have been together, raised my voice. I did last night. I explained and outlined where all her fears and paranoia was wrong. Showed evidence to destroy her false accusations.

Then I told her everything. Every hidden element of 36 years of my life. I told her about the 36 year old woman who took my virginity when I was 14. I told her who she was and what she was to me. I told her about all the dark things that happened in my life... and I told her why I tell everyone I know that I love them... and explained what 'I love you' means to me.

I told her about burying my grandfather when I was 6 and my grandmother 10 years later. I told her about burying Bart and Jason and Leslie and BJ. I told her about burying Matt after the Gulf and I told her about burying Bobby in texas... and I told her my REAL terror... the one that I refuse to admit... That if you love something... it will die...

She cried. I cried. And she told me things about her life that I never knew. We talked about our past, our sex life and ... thankfully, our future.

Once upon a time I promised her forever, forever is a big fat lie. Promise today, because that's all you have.

Today there is a weight off of both of our chests. Today the sun is a little brighter. Today, we are good. Today, my other friend Bobby is beating Lymphoma. Today is a good day. All we have is today.

There is a Native American story that says: There are two dogs that live inside of me - a red dog and a white dog. The white dog wants me to live for that which is good; the red dog wants me to live for that which is evil. They fight each other all the time. But I know what to do - I feed the white dog and I starve the red dog.

Feed the White Dog
Hoka Hey