Chasing Roy (with apologies to Kevin Smith)

This weekend during my long discussion with my mother, I first made mention of the fact that my father and I were very much alike and that I could empathize with his feelings.

I realized that there was something about my father that failed to fulfill him, that he was trying to live up to someone's expectations, someone unknown to me and to my mother. I said: "I understand that feeling, he's chasing someone, I don't understand who, but he's chasing someone just like I'm chasing Roy."

Roy Holstein was my mother's father. He was a hero to me, and in many ways he still is. He was veteren of the second world war, a husband and a father long before I was born. And after my birth he became everything to me. He protected me from an abusive father, paid my bills, raised me. He taught me to build, to shape, to drive a nail. He taught me responsibilty, he taught me courage.

Everyone respected and loved my grandfather. He was a real life hero every day of his life. And for 30 years I have been chasing Roy. He died when I was 6 years old and left a hole that I never allowed anyone to fill, because it was hold suited for a colossus, not a man. And for every day of my life I have tried to be like him, tried and failed. Because I never understood that he was a man. I think now I do. And I think as a byproduct of that understanding that I know who *I* am...

I'm not who you think I am... I can promise you that.

I am a liar and a cheat and a hundred dreads and terrors in the night... I am what you are afraid your children will become. I am. I am what your children will become. I am you...

I am a father and a son... an honest man and a hero to someone small and a friend to someone afraid. I am everything you hope your children will become. I am. I am what your children dream of becoming. I am you.

We are all liars and cheats and heroes and honest citizens and friends to those who need us. We are all guilty of the same sins in lesser dimensions and we all triumph over small and pointed victories when we surprise ourselves with a kind word or a moment of justice. We are all children of a blind, out-of-control world that is to busy to want forgiveness.

I am a man. A man with too much pride and too little kindness trying to remember why we are here... and hoping we will all find that answer together. And I am still chasing Roy... but I am finally catching up...