Naked Truth

Last year, around this time, I realized that there was something wrong with my relationship with Jen. The problem was me. I have no need to rehash everything, but after I was divorced, I got straight into another relationship. While Jen and I tried not to put labels on it, that's what it was and it was a wonderful time that was happy and blissful and did everything I wanted it to do except one thing -- let me do what I said I was doing: Work on me.

While I was going through my divorce, I tried to live my life with no expectations and to try and live in the moment. That was a self deception. Most people are trying to sell something, sometimes you're trying to sell it to yourself. After Jen, I drank, I caroused, I tried to find myself (again) in something outside myself.

Somewhere along the line I started doing things for other people. I enjoyed it, but it wasn't wholly selfless, nothing ever can be I suppose. People came into my life with great intensity and left with a whisper. That hurt, a lot. That's not living without expectations, that's holding on to hope that people who care about you will want to stay. What it doesn't take into consideration is that lost souls don't instantly get better when you find them and point out to them that they are lost. Look at me? I'm not a savior. I'm not a hero (or a villain for that matter). I'm just a guy who sees people hurting and I reach out and I say something. It seems to help. But sometimes people have to wander a while, sometimes they come back and sometimes they stay.

There was a moment, in my deepest, darkest despair, when I saw it all and figured it all out and then I set it aside. It's simple really:

• Be happy in this moment.
• Most people tell you to find yourself, but what they mean is find what they believe.
• You have to find your own truth.
• If your happiness is dependant on someone else you've just traded one cage for another.
• Every day is beautiful.
• Take care of yourself and your health.
• Follow your own path.
• Love everyone.
• Let go of the past.
• Don't rush the future.
• Have the strawberry ice-cream.

I have always said "Contra Mundum" was my motto. "Against the world." But that's not the fight a warrior fights -- "Contra Ego," is the real battle. "Against the Self." Are you strong enough to be happy? Can you look inside and find the self and live in honesty and honor with yourself and others, or are you just masking the pain with something you call happiness?

There are no "ordinary moments" only one series of beautiful nows.

We run from ourselves and the things we fear when we should embrace them, because the things we fear make us strong. Love the people that you love without fear or reservation, but love the self, without ego.

The Paradox of the Scorpion teaches us to love our fear, but it's only half the story. The other half is to follow your bliss, to never do anything half-way, live life to the hilt, whether you are filing briefs, writing code, sweeping floors or racking servers. And reach out to that fear and love it, because odds are that the thing you are running from is what you want most and that thing that's making you happy will taste like asshes when it's done.

But that's my truth. Find yours.

Burn with me.