Lonely miracles in the midst of madness

If I believed in blessings, I'd say I'm blessed. I am a lucky man, I get everything I need and most things I want. I spend my days at a job I love and nights meeting amazing people and helping them to get where they are going. It's been an amazing four or five months.

A few weeks ago I went to Greenville to do a walkabout. The weather was shit and I sat down in a coffee house and was approached by a woman. Her name was Carol. Carol wanted sex, plain and simple, at least, that's the ways she sold it.

We talked for six hours, about her kids, her divorce, and why she was so soul crushingly unhappy. The universe puts everyone in your path for a reason. Now I know why it rained. Carol told me about this younger man that was smitten with her, a brilliant writer and poet, a young man who was profoundly lost. The young man planned to walk the Appalachian trail, all 2100 miles of it alone. She pushed him away. I told her of all the amazing things that have happened to me recently, of all the miracle people that I meet. I explained the way I see the universe and I gave her the copy of the "Tao of Pooh" that I had brought with me. The next day she sent me a text message telling me she had gone and played in the park, on the swings, that she had called her ex-husband and got closure. Last night, she sent me this:

A Walk in the Woods
Vimes:

Its about 10pm on Tuesday the 14th. I went to Georgia today near Springer Mountain and said goodbye to someone I will never forget. He stayed with me from Friday the 10th until today when he left to hike the Appalachian Trail.

Remember how clear a "fix" you had on me during our meeting and subsequent chat. I understand that now. Its where you are versus where I am. It was like that with Herb. He is 29 and so intelligent, kind, sensual and loving. Over the course of the last several days we talked a lot. He told me more about himself and his family but I already knew most of what he was going to tell me. He wore his heart on his sleeve as much as I do. He needed me. I knew he didn't though and I also knew some basic things he would have to discover going forward. I realized that it defeats the purpose to tell him what those things are. It's most important that he discover that himself. That everyone does.

This hike he is attempting has nothing to do with 2,100 miles from Georgia to Maine. It's about proving something to himself. It's about facing fears. It's about living with yourself and being able to love yourself. It's about connecting with other people and being vulnerable. It might be about learning to ask for help. It might be about providing that help to someone else. Ultimately, it has the potential to show him everything he may ever need to know about life.

I dropped him off at the approach trail around 2pm today with a book on the Tao and a hug,a promise to keep in touch and to let me know how he is progressing. I have some of the answers to the life questions he has and I failed to provide them. You have to live them to learn them, but there is no law that says we can't have a trail guide by our side during our hike is there?

Love ya

Carol


It's dominoes. One life changed, changes the next. Back in December, I was the lowest I had ever been. Consistently, there was a person that was there for me, talked to me every day, kicked my ass when I needed it, talked to me every time I left court with Katie. She never flinched or turned aside. You gave everything. She was the first domino. Newton said "If I have seen farther than other men it is because I have stood on the shoulders of giants."

She's precious to me and she's a giant. She saved my life so I could save others. I came to understand that.

So many stories is such a short period of time. The Actress, the Living-Dead Girl, the Model, the Rockstar, the Prom Queen, the Savior, the Soldier Boy, the Student, the Redhead, the Cougar, the Princess, the Little Prince. Each of them has come into my life, some have stayed. Open honesty, love and friendship.

In the past week I have been called a Prophet, a Sage, a Hero. I was told I should write a book and that they should make a movie about me. A song written about me is ready to be recorded, all because I stopped in the road to talk and someone cared enough to reach out to me selflessly with love.

And this is just the beginning. Today (as my father says) is not forever. What will forever look like?

Some days it's lonely. Sometimes it drives me a little mad. I thought I had destroyed someone's life, I wrote the Actress. I asked her if I was doing the right thing, and she sent me a letter.

Tell me a story

Vimes, you don't need me to tell you that you did good by me, or by anyone else. You know you did. You know you're a good man. I know it must be frustrating (to put it ridiculously mildly), and often hopeless to encounter person after person, helping them on their way and watching them leave.

Why do you care? Because it feels REALLY GOOD. Being jaded does not. Being distrustful is not enjoyable. Refraining from continuing the search is obviously counter-productive. And while it always comes when you least expect it, from around the bend that you could not have anticipated...

You are the hero because you follow your bliss and your bliss is seeing someone comforted, protected, and free to find theirs.

If you're tired, rest.

You know I'm the luckiest girl in the world. I heard you're the luckiest guy. Remember that at certain points, you and I get to look back on everything, and we see - that period of darkness was essential to my experience which created today, the today I am so grateful for. That hardship, that challenge, that person who I could not understand why I had to bear the burden of, or lose the joy of... all of it was absolutely essential. You have done that. You'll do it again.

Every day what you said to me rings in my ears - don't take the easy road. Well, I really haven't. It's a very difficult road. One that requires that I take care of myself, so that I can take care of my man, so that maybe he can take care of me. But taking care of him is proving an immense challenge, that often tries to contradict my own needs. His health is terrible, his finances are in a shambles, his house is in dire need of intense work. And we have our sordid past together to unravel, which keeps exposing old wounds.

We have known each other for five weeks and for twenty-two years. It's incredibly odd, and wondrously amazing. There's no courtship, yet it's an endless courtship. We've learned the very very hard way not to take each other for granted, not to take ourselves for granted, not to subjugate ourselves out of fear the other person might run - but rather to state expectation, boundaries, intentions, and simply be optimistic that the other will be up for the task of loving us. That's the best that can be done.

Life without optimism, to me, is death. But of course, I'm a very lucky girl. My optimism nearly always pays off. And as of today, it has in a really big way. I know -- You know -- You are a very lucky guy.

You will always be a part of me, you will always be my hero.



The last words I said to her before I put her on the plane were those words "don't take the easy road." They echo in my ears. All my life I have had one fear, just one being alone. It's the Scorpion Paradox:

A man was buried to his neck and left to die as a means of torture
The scorpion came to him and the man asked the scorpion how he would keep from going mad
The scorpion said "Love your pain and cherish it and it will leave."
And then man said "If I love my pain, I won't want it to leave."
The Scorpion said "Now you understand pain."

I embraced my loneliness and now I don't want it to leave.

The Savior said this to me the other night: "When the loneliness becomes a sort of companion on its own... you see how cowboys get their reputations. You're a Cowboy."

Last night I spoke to someone I love very much. We said hello and goodbye, because we will always be a part of each other. It was good, it was right, and I will be immortal because of her, because she loves that much. 3000 miles can't separate me from her and what she means to me.

So... I know, it was too long to read, but I wrote it for you, all of you, some of you, all of us.

The book will be longer, the Savior says it should be called "Prophet and Loss."

The question remains, are you a chapter, a recurring character, or would you like to help me write the book of my life?

Thank you.

Burn with me.