Under the Moonlight

Writers write. That's what they tell me. Since meeting facebook I have had less to say here. I used to blog five things a day. It was like a gym for my brain. So, in the spirit of the diarist that I am, today I write, living in hope that I will write again tomorrow and let the words flow from me to you.

For months now I have struggled with something. I have alluded to it, I have skirted it and I have denied it. I have made bold proclamations and secret whispers and woven it into stories. Since I broke up with Jen and took my dating vacation, things became surreal to me. People keep coming into my life and things change dramatically for them. The deeper my investment and the more dramatic the change, the quicker they disappear.

These are the raw facts. This is real and this is to the bone: it's a lonely rollercoaster that makes me question my worth.

"Why was I so easy to cast aside?"
"Am I too much or too little?"
"Am I really just a bad man pretending to be a good one?"
"If I stopped caring, would anyone notice?"

My life, while amazing, has always been on someone else's conditions, never on my own. I choose to be with others, but on their terms, because... what? People that compromise for me aren't the kind of people that interest me? Because I love a challenge, even in friendship? I don't know the answer.

Before anyone starts shedding tears, I'm coming to terms with this. All of my life I have feared being alone, it's really my only fear. I embraced my loneliness and came to love it -- the solitude that it offers, whether I take advantage of it or not.

My friend Angela put it like this: "When the loneliness becomes a sort of companion on its own... you see how cowboys get their reputations."

My loneliness is my companion now, she never leaves me, when she does, and I may not want her to go.

I'm a happy man. I have my shit together. I'm confident and far too proud for my own good. That's why this puzzle baffles me. Is it a curse? A blessing? Did I ask for this? Is this a lesson I am suppose to learn?

I wanted to be like my Papaw, Roy, and impact lives. Now I am, at an alarming rate, and I don't know what to do with the consequences. There are no answers for why, when I've given everything I have, the recipients just casually walk away. Once I could understand, but I'm up to about 10 men and women in four months and that's not something I can mark up to coincidence, even if I believed in coincidence.

In any case, today is a beautiful and amazing day. I'm on fire and all is right with the world because I have my word, because all the words I've ever said mean something. Once given I can't take them back, so I keep my oaths.

Finally, someone reading this, someone who means the world to me, wrote this about me and it helped, because I may, indeed, have chosen this path. I may be a lone wolf after all.

"Lone wolf
Straight out of a comic book
You don't know how long it took
To get along, to stay strong
Under the Moonlight"

Burn with me